Centerstage - Chicago's Original City Guide

Dear Maven,

~Knockin' on Heaven's Back Door

Dear Knockin',

Anal play is a delightful complement to sex; the two go together like Amy Winehouse and horse tranquilizers, but some people, I'm afraid, just don't see eye to eye, or wine cooler to asshole, as it were. Often times, dispelling the fears and myths about ass play are the first step. After you show her the Reading Rainbow episode on the myths of loose sphincters, incontinence and germs, the next step is to consider your approach. Aside from her clit, the asshole has the highest concentration of nerve endings in the body, making it number two (zing!) on the list of erogenous zones. The "accidental" colonic is not going to win you any points, unless you're on Hollywood Squares. So don't make any uninvited visitation attempts without your girlfriend's express consent. Offering up your own ass could be an incentive for her and lets her know that you're willing to go both ways (the puns just write themselves, people!). Because anal play is still considered taboo, this can often lead to a couple experiencing deeper levels of intimacy, if you're into that sort of thing. After all, it's not everyday that we let someone go spelunking in our digestive tract.

Unfortunately, many people have one bad anal experience and it colors their willingness to try again. I'm referring to those assholes who think the best way to reach the backdoor is by pretending they were aiming for the front and missed. Don't do it. It hurts more than watching the Lifetime movie "9021-HO, The Tori Spelling Story." Also, don't refer to her ass as "poop chute," "Hershey highway" or "George Clooney" (unless you're in Idaho). Lastly, try to create an association of anal play with other pleasurable sensations. Gently stroke her rosebud while she comes, or if she won't let you go there, then try the perineum, which is the happy trail of skin between her vajayjay and her pucker.