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Is 69ing a thing of the past and will insults land you a lady?

Monday Jun 09, 2008.     By Anna Pulley

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Dear Maven,

My boyfriend really enjoys going down on me, and while I certainly can't complain about that, I start to get bored when I'm just passively laying there for a long time. It's not that I'm not turned on per se, but my mind starts to wander. I don't want him to think I'm uninterested and stop but how can I keep my head in the game, so to speak?

~Heading for Disaster

Dear Heading,

"Wandering mind" is not uncommon during sex, and unless we're talking about the song by country music sensation Lynn Anderson (which is not only the secret to heightened sexual arousal, but also the cure for goiters), it's probably something you want to avoid. If you're thinking about what you need to accomplish that day – putting away the laundry, cleaning the nipple clamps, etc - then you might be suffering from a simple case of distraction. Barring the most selfish people and a select few breeds of Microsoft employees, the majority of people like pleasuring others as much as they enjoy being pleased. There are ways to be actively involved when you're passively receiving pleasure, like by touching yourself, giving your partner detailed verbal instructions on how to please you or by completing a medium-level Sudoku puzzle. There's also the good ol' 69, which appears to be going the way of VHS tapes and Friendster. Some argue that the two sensations of giving and receiving pleasure cancel each other out. But obviously those people don't deserve true happiness.

If you're thinking about seemingly random things like calculus problems, then you may want to discuss your beau's technique--unless you're imagining graphs of polynomials, which are curiously exciting.

Hi Maven,

I'm not that good at meeting women. I've been hearing and reading about a technique to pick up women whereby you mildly insult them. Does this actually work?

~Pick Her Up

Dear Pick Her Up,

It works if your reality is akin to "Living Lohan" or if "Jerry Springer" has revolutionized your love life. The insult strategy that you speak of is based on the book The Game by Neil Strauss, made popular by a peculiar brand of the doucheoise, and guyliner-loving magician Mystery on VH1's The Pick Up Artist. According to the theory, insulting your potential mate supposedly lowers her self-esteem in order to make her more susceptible to sleeping with you.

Here's a personal example of how it didn't work: I review sex toys, a job that's listed on my online profile as something like "I get paid to masturbate." This guy sent me an email refuting my reviewer status, and claimed that I was doing product placement or some bullshit. Several increasingly angry emails ensued and then I blocked him. The point of the story, my friends, is to think twice before you throw a cream pie at the hot chick at the bar, because misogyny will not get you laid. Other potential pitfalls to avoid are references to your penis size and/or how good you are in the sack (I can't stress this point enough. It's about as charming as talking about waxing one's ball sack at the dinner table), astrology (unless you are at a seance or mud ceremony), how much of a bitch/asshole/blight on mankind your ex is or that you would bear great-looking children together. You CAN talk about: impeccable pool skillz, what's playing on the jukebox, commonalities, whether goatees are hot or not and which celebrities they'd like to punch in the face. Keep the conversation light and, above all, be yourself. Because you're really attractive, except for that goiter. They have creams for that, you know.

Anna Pulley, our Meet-Market Maven, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.