Dear Maven,
I am a divorced man with two wonderful children. I have had a number of girlfriends but it never seems to work out. My last girlfriend said when she broke up with me that I was probably gay. This floored me because I've never thought of myself that way. I'm also not the kind of guy who just jumps on a woman the first "chance" he gets. Do you think she was just trying to be hurtful or what?
Sincerely,
Another John
A: Dear John,
Are you gay? Do you drive an Audi and shop at Banana Republic? Do you own or desire to own some kind of sequined purse (excuse me, "attache")? Do you find the word "fabulous" creeping more and more into your conversations…about Orlando Bloom? Gay stereotypes aside, only you can answer that question, or Oprah. But she's so busy these days. I'd say it's a safe bet that you're straight, John, because your ex was abiding by the "all's fair in love and war" rules of breakups that you may remember from your bygone days at the playground. I remember when Brad Westohoff smeared pickle juice all over the slide right before I went down it, which I knew meant he liked me, so I promptly kicked him in the nuts to show my mutual interest. Your ex was playing a similar game—of the cheap shot variety. Cheap shots are easier than appearing on Judge Judy and have less legal repercussions than, say, keying your ex's car. It was her way of expressing her anger and frustration at a situation she couldn't control, with immediately gratifying results. Childish? You bet. Truthful? Not likely. Unless you're undergoing a sexual-identity crisis because of it, I'd chalk it up to her immature way of dealing with rejection and leave it at that. Or, egg her house.
Dear Maven,
I've been seeing this girl for about a month now. Things are going well—we get along, we laugh, sex is good. Here's the thing. I can't stand the taste of her vagina. Is there anything I can do or say about this to make it better? I don't want this to be an issue, and I don't want to have that conversation with her if I can avoid it.
Sincerely,
Tasteless in Chicago
A: Dear Tasteless,
If there's anything that can kill your sex drive faster than a vulgar vagina, it's unabashed honesty. Before we go that route, let's start with the basics, the annoying but necessary "Is your device plugged in?" questions. Does she shower regularly? Are there a lot of snug, spandex jumpsuits in her wardrobe? Does she watch Bill O'Reilly? Any of the above scenarios can turn a girl instantly sour but are just as easily remedied. If that doesn't cover it, her v.o. may be diet-related, and fruits with high water content like pineapple or mango could help sweeten her juices. But if you don't have the time or stealth to convince your girl that she should up her cantaloupe consumption three-fold, try saliva. In addition to helping your body break down starch, saliva is also a powerful diluter and odor blocker. Who knew? The more you coat the area with saliva, the more it will block her natural secretions and the smells they produce. It's a girl-tested, sex-expert-approved method of dealing with the muskiest of muff odors. If none of these options work, then you might have to have "the conversation." Either that or invest in some Vick's, the kind they use to block the smell of dead bodies. I've never tried it, but if it works on CSI, then it must be true. But let's hope it doesn't come to that. Happy spelunking!
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