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Here's to self-love in the new year.

Monday Jan 05, 2009.     By Anna Pulley

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I know this guy who masturbates a lot. He wants to know how to stop it because he feels it's not good for him but he is addicted and doesn't know how to stop.

And he would like to not tell his parents at least for now.

~Addicted to Love

Alright, I won't tell them, but I'm running out of excuses for why the Jergens moisturizer keeps disappearing. Do you want the dog to keep bearing the brunt of their frustration?

Before we engage in hand-to-gland combat, I have a joke:

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor says. The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Snarf! This hilarious aside also emphasizes my point, which is that one cannot masturbate too much unless it is seriously interfering with your life. Is "your friend" friggin' his riggin' to the point where he cannot finish his pre-algebra homework? Does he have to stop halfway through an episode of Golden Girls to yank his crank? Has he stopped paying his bills or caring about the whales? If the answer is no, then he has nothing to worry about.

Masturbation is good for you. It helps you sleep. It releases the endorphins that make us feel happy. It helps men gain control over their orgasms, so premature ejaculation is less of a problem. It's calming – 10 times more than a dose of Valium. According to sexologists, NOT jerking off at all is more likely to create psychological problems than jerking off incessantly. Also, it feels good, duh. Fetuses have been photographed touching their genitals in the womb. Even animals masturbate! The problems with masturbation often come in only after someone tells us it's wrong or dirty or sinful.

Personally, I have enough to be ashamed of already (hello, Evanescence!) and don't need to waste my time worrying about how much I polish my china. And neither should you.

It's time to take matters into your own hands, Addicted.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.