Grab your checklist and note the scars on Bill's Pub, typical of a wretched bar beyond its prime. An Old Style sign on the outside? Check. Mouse hole-sized squares for windows? Check. Linoleum floors and a deer head trophy? You get the gist. But if you’re a resident of the Old Irving Park community, this side of the Irving Park blue line, Bill's Pub may be your only after-hours resort with a takeout license in this sector void of liquor stores.

Sure, you have the Joe-E's Unforgettable Lounge option nearby, but its six-packs (domestic) to go at $8 a pop, compared to Bills' $6.50 offer makes Joe-E’s, well, forgettable. Unforgettable, however, is Bills' wacky interior. Sapphire orbs drip at the ends of wiry brass stems coinciding with a three-foot alien celebrating Fat Tuesday, making for an out of this world experience. Biker memorabilia maintains its place on the walls, evoking the previous biker-bar status; notice Bill on a bike in one frame. And before you punch someone's lights out for calling you a "lard ass," look for a Pretty Polly parrot swinging before a mirrored bar chirping obscenities at patrons.

Apart from these loony decorations, the pub is really just a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of joint. You’ll find no pool table, no karaoke nights, no wi-fi (in the works however), just a digital jukebox (music plays 75 percent of the time) and a few Vegas-style games.

During the week and late afternoons, the bar serves area workingmen. Weekends rake in younger, cuter crowds, according to an easygoing Geoff, tending bar. Gays adding variety to their usual Boystown functions swoop in on gay-friendly Fridays.

Finally, Memorial Day operates as sort of a potluck. Patrons bring in their favorite dishes and juicy cuts smoke on an outdoor grill. Otherwise, there’s no kitchen. Average cocktail, $3.50.

Centerstage Reviewer: David-Anthony Gonzalez